Then you imagine their response and start again.
You’re in the shower, explaining to a colleague why you can’t keep doing their work.
(They’re not in there with you, of course; this is an imaginary conversation, unless… never mind, HR doesn’t need to know.)
You’re clear. You’re polite. You don’t overexplain.
By the time you’re dressed, you’ve thought of three ways they could take it badly.
Maybe you should soften it. Maybe you should explain your workload. Maybe today isn’t the day.
The conversation hasn’t happened, but it’s already taken up part of your morning.
If you have ADHD and tend to ruminate, you may know this routine well. You can recognise that you’re doing it and still find yourself back in the conversation ten minutes later.
What are you still trying to work out?
Perhaps you don’t yet know what you want to say.
You’re happy to answer an occasional question. You’re less happy to spend an hour walking someone through a task they’re supposed to know how to do.
You like being helpful. You also want to finish your own work.
That’s worth sorting out. What help do you want to keep offering? What do you want to stop doing?
But perhaps you’ve already answered those questions. You know what you want to say.
What you don’t know is whether they’ll like it.
So you keep editing the sentence.
People-pleasing might have you looking for a way to say no that feels like a yes. RSD might make the possibility of criticism particularly painful.
The right wording starts to seem very important.
You can be considerate. You can explain yourself clearly. No sentence guarantees someone will be pleased to hear you’re less available.
And then there’s the conversation afterwards
You finally say it.
Your colleague replies, “Okay.”
Now you’re wondering what kind of okay that was.
Were they annoyed? Did you sound abrupt? Should you send another message to make sure they understand?
You may want to clarify something. Or you may hope another explanation will ease your worry about what they think.
Those are different reasons to send a message.
You don’t have to decide immediately. You can go back to what you said and ask whether anything’s missing, rather than keep rewriting it in response to a reaction you’re imagining.
Their “okay” might have been because it was a non-issue for them. They really were okay.
Fine.
Meanwhile, a part of your brain won’t feel satisfied until you play out the script you wrote in your head. You rehearsed the entire conversation, and after all that, they didn’t perform their role! What kind of scene partner are they??
(How many times has this happened to you in relationships?)
This is something you can bring to coaching
You might want help deciding what to say no to. You might want to stop putting off the conversation. You might have said no several times and want to understand why you keep taking the work back.
You choose what you want to work on.
I ask questions and listen. If I have an observation to share, I ask your permission first.
You don’t need to explain your entire history or know exactly why you do this before we can begin.
“I keep thinking about it, and I want to do something about it” gives us somewhere to start.
You’ve already spent plenty of time thinking about it. You’re allowed to ask for another perspective.
