When, why, and how to talk about your ADHD
Disclosure, power dynamics, and decision-making in midlife
TL;DR – Think of disclosure as a strategic decision, not a confession. Decide why you’re sharing, choose the right who, pick the right when, and frame the conversation deliberately.
If you’re a woman in midlife who leads, manages, or carries significant responsibility, deciding whether to talk about your ADHD can feel more complicated than it sounds.
By the time you’re established in your career and relationships, disclosure isn’t just about honesty. It’s about timing, power dynamics, and what changes once information is shared.
This article explores how to think about ADHD disclosure as a strategic decision, not a confession, and how to decide when, why, and how sharing actually serves you.
For many women, the hardest part of understanding their ADHD isn’t the diagnosis itself, it’s how to decide who to tell, what to say, when to say it, where it belongs, why you’re sharing, and how to do it in a way that you don’t regret later.
Once you have language for why certain things have always been harder, the question of disclosure moves from theoretical to practical.
Whether your ADHD is formally diagnosed or self-identified, these questions come up eventually. And most people are left to answer them in the moment, under pressure, without a framework.
What makes this particularly tricky in midlife is that the stakes are often higher because you’re already established in your career and life.
Here is a framework based on who, what, where, when, why and how.
1. Start with why you’re sharing
Before you open the conversation, get clear on the purpose behind it. Knowing why you’re speaking helps you stay focused and prevents the conversation from going off track.
Different reasons lead to very different conversations.
To explain a pattern – “I’m often late on follow‑ups because I struggle with task‑switching.”
To ask for something specific– “Could we move our weekly check-ins to later in the morning so I can prepare properly?”
To reset expectations – “I work best with written goals. Verbal instructions are harder for me to retain.”
To justify yourself in a tense moment – “I’m sharing because I feel judged.” (Usually a red flag—pause and rethink. Disclosure made under pressure often creates more mess, not less.)
Takeaway: Write a one‑sentence purpose before any conversation. If the purpose is fuzzy, the talk can quickly derail.
2. Map out who and what to tell
Once you know why, decide who actually needs the information. Different people in your life require different levels of detail. The mistake many people make is assuming disclosure has to look the same everywhere. It doesn’t.
At work
Focus on impact and practical needs. This might mean sharing working preferences, constraints, or accommodations without going into personal history. In some cases, naming ADHD is useful. In others, it isn’t. What matters is whether the information helps you do your job more effectively.
With partners, family, and close friends:
There’s often more room to talk about the lived experience. This might include how ADHD affects your energy, emotions, or follow-through, and what support actually looks like for you day to day.
Takeaway:
You’re not deciding whether to disclose in general. You’re deciding what information belongs in this relationship, for this purpose.
3. Choose the right when
Timing can make the difference between a constructive exchange and a defensive reaction. Look for moments that naturally lend themselves to a deeper conversation.
Strategic moments – After a missed deadline, at a project kickoff, or when a new manager joins.
Avoid crisis mode – If you’re feeling pressured or defensive, schedule a calm follow‑up instead of an impromptu confession. Take your time.
Practical note: If the conversation matters, give yourself time to think it through. A calendar reminder can help you avoid having it in the heat of the moment.
4. Frame the conversation (How)
A clear structure keeps the discussion focused and collaborative. This structure can help keep the conversation focused.
State the fact succinctly. E.g. “I have ADHD, which means I process information differently.”
Connect it to observable outcomes. E.g. “Because of that, I sometimes need written summaries to keep track of priorities.”
Offer a solution or ask for a specific adjustment. E.g. “Could we adopt a shared spreadsheet for this ongoing project tracking?”
Invite dialogue, without opening the door to debate. E.g. “I’d love to hear any thoughts on how we can make this work for the whole team.”
Why this works: You move from a personal revelation to a collaborative problem‑solving session.
5. Anticipate common concerns
People may raise questions or worries. It can help to think through how you want to respond before you’re in the moment.
“Will this affect my promotion?” – Consider this: “My goal is to keep delivering strong results; these adjustments help me stay on track.”
“Is this a medical excuse?” – Consider this: “ADHD is a neurodivergent condition, not a lack of effort. Accommodations simply level the playing field.”
“Will people treat me differently?” – Consider this: “Clarity helps some people respond more constructively. Others may need time, or may not respond at all. That’s part of the decision.”
6. Follow‑up & iterate
Disclosure isn’t always a one-time conversation. If you’ve asked for changes, it’s reasonable to check back in and see what’s working and what isn’t. This doesn’t need to be formal. A quick recap, a short check-in, or a note of what’s helping can go a long way.
When something improves because of an adjustment you asked for, notice it. If something improves because of an adjustment you asked for, notice it. That feedback loop matters, especially if you need to advocate for yourself again later.
Closing thoughts
ADHD disclosure is often treated as a confession, as if telling someone is an emotional reveal or about honesty versus hiding, as if openness is inherently better than discretion. That’s not how it works in the real world. Disclosure is not a confession; it is a strategic communication decision and you don’t owe equal disclosure everywhere.
You might tell one person and not another.
You might describe how ADHD affects you without naming it.
You might decide that now isn’t the right time.
By treating it as a strategic decision, you turn a personal characteristic into a catalyst for clearer communication and fewer misunderstandings.
This topic comes up often in my coaching work with women navigating ADHD in midlife, especially those in leadership or high-responsibility roles. The decisions around disclosure are rarely simple, and they’re rarely one-time choices.
I explore this in more depth on the PRIMED for ADHD podcast, including practical examples and language for work, family, and close relationships. If you’re thinking through this right now, you may find that helpful. Podcast episode includes a bonus ADHD disclosure decision checklist.
Coaching can also be a place to think through these decisions privately before the moment demands an answer.
