Why rest feels wrong and success feels empty
(and what to do about it)
The Sunday afternoon guilt trip
Imagine this: you've finally carved out some time just for yourself. It might be a peaceful Sunday afternoon or maybe a quick twenty-minute break between meetings. You cozy up on the couch with your favourite coffee or a refreshing glass of wine, feeling relaxed. But then, that familiar voice in your mind starts to stir: "Really? Just sitting here? Don't you have emails to reply to? That project isn't going to finish itself."
Or perhaps you're on the other side of things. You've just celebrated landing that big promotion, wrapped up an important project, finished four loads of laundry or checked off every item on your to-do list. You're eagerly awaiting that wonderful feeling of accomplishment, that "I did it!" moment. Yet, instead, there's just a quiet little voice whispering, "Okay, what's next?"
If this sounds like the soundtrack of your inner thoughts, remember—you’re not alone, and you're definitely not lazy.
When your nervous system forgot how to chill
Here's the catch: what we often think of as rest isn't really rest. It's a different kind of performance.
If you've spent years, or even decades, in survival mode—trying to overcompensate, achieve more, or hide struggles that others couldn't see—your nervous system might have forgotten how to relax. It doesn't know how to downshift anymore.
For those of us with ADHD, it’s a bit different. Our brains are already wired for constant motion, and when you layer on years of proving yourself, "doing nothing" doesn't feel peaceful. It feels dangerous. It can make us worry that we're falling behind or letting someone down.
Here's what's happening in your brain: ADHD means we're already working with different dopamine levels, and when achievement becomes your main source of that feel-good hit, your brain starts treating rest like a threat to your dopamine supply. So when you try to relax, your neurotransmitters are basically screaming, “Wait! Where's the reward? Why aren't we chasing something??”
Rest often becomes a conditional thing:
I can rest after I finish the laundry
I can rest when I've earned it
I can rest if everything else is perfect first
But here's the thing: that's not really rest. That's another form of being active, of chasing a feeling.
The achievement trap nobody talks about
And achievement? It's playing the same trick on you. When crossing things off your to-do list becomes your main way of coping (hello), it can feel like no accomplishment is ever enough.
Deep down, you aren’t really celebrating what you’ve done—you're just temporarily quieting that inner voice that says you're not doing enough.
It's kind of like eating when you're not really hungry. Sure, you're going through the motions, but you're never really satisfied.
The shift that changes everything
So what's the answer? It's not about forcing yourself to rest harder or achieve better. (Believe me, I've tried both! When people ask me what I do in my spare time or what I do for fun… well, you’re looking at it. I work on my business when I’m bored.)
The real change happens when you gently shift your focus:
From proving yourself to just being present
From just checking things off a list to discovering true fulfillment
From productive busywork to meaningful purpose
This isn't some fluffy mindset makeover. This is nervous system work, and it takes time.
How to start changing this pattern
Step 1: Notice without judgment. Begin by noticing when these feelings show up. When does rest feel "wrong"? When does success feel empty? You're not trying to fix anything yet, just observe.
Step 2: Challenge the conditions. What assumptions have you made about when you're "allowed" to rest? Write them down. Some of them might surprise you.
Step 3: Try small acts of rebellion. Take a 10-minute break before you've "earned" it. Celebrate a small win without immediately jumping to the next goal. These feel strange at first, but that's normal. Discomfort is how we grow.
Step 4: Redefine what counts. What if rest didn't have to look productive? What if success were about personal satisfaction, not just accomplishment?
Key takeaways for your back pocket
If you feel guilty when you try to rest and achievement feels empty, your system is telling you something important.
This isn't a character flaw; it's the result of being in survival mode.
Real change happens deep within the nervous system, not just in your thoughts.
Feel it to believe it, to achieve it.
You don't have to earn basic human needs like rest and satisfaction
Sometimes, small experiments and gentle steps are more effective than big, drastic overhauls.
Sometimes, small experiments
Two questions to sit with
Before you dive back into your day, try these on:
What would rest look like if I didn't have to earn it first?
What would success feel like if nobody else was keeping score?
You don't need to have the answers right now. Sometimes the most powerful thing is just asking the question and seeing what comes up.
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