Do you still want the things you used to want?

There’s a quiet, disorienting feeling when you achieve what you thought you wanted, then realize you’re not sure it fits anymore.

Maybe it was that house in the great school district that symbolized success. The promotion you worked hard for because it meant recognition, respect, and finally being seen as competent. Perhaps it was the busy schedule filled with activities and social commitments that made you feel useful and valued. Or the business you launched, hoping to find freedom, only to end up working more hours than ever before. You worked for it, planned for it, sacrificed for it, and got there.

And now, standing in the midst of it all, you pause and wonder… is this really what I want?

I’ve been thinking about this for the past few years, and my peers and I go through it. I heard the words from a man I was in a situationship with. I see it in friends as their kids age through high school into university, and my friends become empty nesters as a result. I see it in friends even when their kids remain in the nest, rent-free.

Suddenly, mom and dad are no longer full-time parents and they start thinking about all of it.

(“And the cat’s in the cradle”, yadda yadda.)

When success doesn't feel like winning

It's not ingratitude. It's not being spoiled or ungrateful for the good things in your life. It's the realization that you've evolved beyond the person who set those goals in the first place. That earlier version of you was driven by different needs—seeking security after experiencing financial instability, craving validation after feeling misunderstood for years, and wanting to prove to yourself that, despite what teachers, parents, or that inner voice might have said, you are fully capable of overcoming tough challenges.

Change is a natural part of life.

But needs change. People change. Sometimes, the very things we worked so hard to achieve become the walls of a prison we didn't recognize we were building.

If you take pride in being dependable, consistent, and someone who follows through, shifting your goals might feel like a fundamental betrayal, as if you're losing a part of yourself. It can be tough to reconcile the effort you've put in with the new direction your heart is taking, but remember, growth often means redefining who we are. Embrace the journey of self-discovery, knowing that change can open doors to new opportunities and a more authentic version of yourself.

The guilt weighs heavily on your heart. You reflect on all the wonderful people who stood by you, believed in your dreams, and even made sacrifices so you could chase after your goals. You remember a younger version of yourself who would have done anything to live this life. Yet, somehow, what they once dreamed of now seems... off. It's a complicated mix of feelings, but you're not alone in this journey.

(You may have experienced this regarding changing your beliefs or opinions, too. They become part of your identity, so it can be destabilizing and life-changing when you no longer hold what you once held.)

But think about it—maybe the real challenge isn't about changing course, but about holding onto goals that no longer match where you want to go. Sometimes, moving forward means letting go of what no longer serves us.

This is what it means to be “out of alignment”.

Why ADHD brains outgrow goals faster

If you have ADHD, these inner shifts might feel more intense and frequent. Your brain is naturally wired differently when it comes to motivation, reward, and what psychologists call "incentive salience"—simply put, what feels worth pursuing at any moment.

What once energized you six months ago might now drain you. The routines that helped you focus before might now feel overwhelming. Social plans that used to energize you could leave you feeling overstimulated and a bit resentful. Remember, this isn't a flaw or a sign of being flaky—it's just how ADHD brains tend to work. I get it.

We're driven by novelty, challenge, and interest in ways that neurotypical people often aren't. When something stops being interesting or challenging, our brains stop producing the dopamine we need to stay motivated. Fighting against this biological reality is like trying to force yourself to be hungry when you're full—technically possible, but exhausting and ultimately unsustainable.

When your brain changes, your goals should too

Hormonal changes add another layer of complexity. Many people with ADHD find that what worked in their twenties stops working in their thirties or forties. Perimenopause, in particular, can really change how your brain reacts to stimulation, stress, and reward. The lively, stimulating lifestyle that once energized you might suddenly start to feel overwhelming and chaotic.

There's also masking—the tiring process of hiding your neurodivergent traits so you can fit in with neurotypical expectations. You might have spent a lot of effort trying to prove you can be "normal," only to realize that pretending to be normal is draining your energy. The career you chose to seem stable and responsible, the social commitments you keep to appear agreeable, the perfectly organized home showing you have everything under control—all of this might be part of a performance that no longer feels right for you.

You're allowed to outgrow your own dreams

Here's something I wish I had known earlier: you're allowed to outgrow your own dreams.

The dream you once built might have been just right for who you were back then—someone seeking safety, approval, or trying to prove something to the world or yourself.

Maybe it was about showing that despite your ADHD diagnosis, or the teachers who doubted you, or feeling out of place for so many years, you could succeed by conventional standards.

And maybe you did succeed—proving everyone wrong, including the voice inside your own head. But now, you might be longing for something different. Something that feels more spacious, more in tune with who you're becoming, rather than who you were trying to show you could be.

Remember, this kind of change isn't failure—it's growth. It's your mind and heart learning to recognize what truly nurtures you, versus what just looks good on paper.

The uncomfortable questions we avoid

We might hesitate to face these truths because they bring up tough questions that don't have easy answers. Who are you if you're not reaching for that next milestone? What does it mean when you step back from the version of success everyone has come to expect from you? Can you truly trust that what you want now is just as important, even if it looks nothing like what you wanted before?

If you've spent years building an identity around being the responsible one, the achiever, the person who has it all figured out, stepping away from that can feel like losing a part of yourself. Your family might not fully understand, and your friends might be confused. You might worry they’ll think you're having a midlife crisis or that you've lost your ambition.

But think about it—what if the real crisis is actually continuing to chase after goals that no longer reflect who you really are?

I don’t call it a “midlife crisis”, I call it a “midlife awakening”.

This midlife awakening, this midlife evolution, is why I have a butterfly motif on this website. It symbolizes metamorphosis.

Signs it's time to reassess

You might be ready to reassess your goals if you notice yourself:

Feeling successful on paper but empty in practice. You've checked all the boxes that were supposed to make you happy, but something fundamental is missing.

Dreading things you used to be excited about. The promotion you worked toward for years now feels like a burden. The social events you used to enjoy drain your energy.

Fantasizing about completely different lives. You find yourself scrolling through job listings in different fields, or imagining what it would be like to live somewhere else, or wondering what would happen if you took time off or just quit.

Feeling like you're living someone else's life. You look around and think, "This is a good life, but is it my life?"

Going through the motions without engagement. You're productive, you're meeting your obligations, but it all feels automatic and disconnected from any deeper sense of purpose. You’re on autopilot.

Remember, it's okay to take a step back and explore what truly makes you feel alive.

Moving forward without throwing everything away

Letting go of outdated goals isn't about giving up or starting over. It's about being honest with yourself about what truly works and what might just be a familiar comfort.

Some goals will still fit; they just need a little tweak. Others might need to be let go entirely, and some could be perfect, but happen at the wrong time, requiring patience rather than giving up.

The real trick is to reconnect with your inner voice, especially if you've spent years ignoring it, seeking external approval or following conventional markers of success. This is particularly tough for those with ADHD, who may have been taught from an early age not to trust their instincts, their interests, or their natural rhythms.

Take it easy and start small. Notice what genuinely energizes you and what drains you. Pay attention to when you feel most like yourself and when you feel like you're performing. Remember, your evolving needs aren't a bug—they're actually a helpful feature.

Your evolution is the point

The things you used to want served their purpose. They taught you about yourself, helped you develop skills and resilience, and brought you to where you are today. But getting you here and taking you forward are two different jobs.

Moving you forward is a whole new chapter.

You're allowed to pause and reassess—not because you're lost, but because you're finally tuning into who you're becoming. Your past self would likely be proud of how much you've grown and how you now seek something different. That's not a betrayal; that's the whole point of being alive. It’s the beautiful purpose of life itself.

The goalpost didn't just shift randomly. You moved it, consciously or unconsciously, because some part of you recognized that you'd outgrown where it used to be. Trust that inner wisdom, even when it's inconvenient. Especially when it's inconvenient.

Your desires and your growth are important. Who you are becoming deserves as much love and attention as who you were before.

Key takeaways:

It's normal to outgrow your goals. What you wanted in the past served a purpose, but you're allowed to want different things as you evolve.

ADHD brains are especially prone to shifting desires. Your need for novelty, challenge, and interest means goals that once motivated you might stop working. That's biological, not a character flaw.

Changing direction isn't failure. Staying stuck in goals that no longer serve you is harder on your mental health than adapting to who you're becoming.

Trust your internal wisdom. If something feels wrong even when it looks right on paper, that's valuable information worth listening to.

Evolution takes courage. It's uncomfortable to disappoint others or challenge your own identity, but growth requires letting go of what no longer fits.

Start small. You don't have to overhaul your entire life. Begin by noticing what energizes you versus what drains you, and make adjustments from there.